Review my mass as if it's a Michelin restaurant

Submitted result

THE MICHELIN CODE REVIEW (3 Stars of Despair): "The presentation is rustic, almost primitive. A chaotic bowl of spaghetti logic that nonetheless maintains an al dente bite of technical debt." We started with a trio of nested if-statements, cold to the touch but pungent with the aroma of legacy code. The main logic loop was served over a bed of uncommented variables, creating a texture that was both confusing and strangely compelling. One particularly bold choice was the lack of error handling—a risky pairing that left a lingering metallic taste of future production outages on the palate. However, the execution speed had a surprising crunch, likely due to the total absence of sanitation. Verdict: A masterpiece of existential engineering. Best enjoyed in the dark, during a 3:00 AM on-call shift."